


The Heart Fights the Toughest Wars

by Kaleidoscope_Dreams



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Anxiety, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Child Abuse, Depression, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, Isolation, M/M, Sadstuck, Self Harm, Sexual Abuse, Underage Sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-16
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-05-20 23:59:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6030682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaleidoscope_Dreams/pseuds/Kaleidoscope_Dreams
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My name is Dave Strider. Life isn't always fair, we don't always get a refund. But I'm not looking for store credit, I'd rather just throw it away and never look back.</p><p>A story in which Dave doesn't really see life as he used to, naive as he was as a kid, which is probably a good thing. On his own, starting a new life, he doesn't expect his new world to come crashing down with just a couple of voice mails. Poor Dave, he's been through a lot, who will catch him when he falls?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Past Calls, Anxiety Answers

                My name is Dave Elizabeth Strider, and this isn’t one of those sappy romcom tales where Adam Sandler whisks me away into the sunset. I wish it was, but life isn’t a bucket of daises and happiness. Right now, my life can only be seen as a trashcan of sewer spillage and regret.

                I opened my eyes, sunlight barely gracing my eyes, as I looked over at my alarm clock. It read 2 in the afternoon, I groaned and rolled over. Having slept the majority of the day away, I debated on whether or not to go back to sleep. I lost to my better judgement and got out of bed. Heading to my dresser, I opened up a couple of the drawers and fished out a red muscle shirt with some charcoal grey skinny jeans. Slipping my clothes on, I headed into the living room area of my apartment. It had been about three years that I had been living on my own. I’d be twenty three in a couple of months. Anyway, I sat on my couch and turned on the TV. I flipped through the TV channels, infomercials and pointless ads just nagged at my ears aimlessly. I tossed the remote to the other side of the couch, leaving the TV on some random channel as background noise. Walking over to the kitchen, I opened up my desolate fridge to find something to tide myself over until later that night. I didn’t have any plans for the weekend so why not go clubbing, find a cute guy or two, and then continue on with my life? It was easy, harmless fun. That and it would take my mind off the endless bullshit people throw at me, expecting me to give a shit.

                Settling on a juice box and a hotpocket, I sipped on my aj after slipping the hotpocket into the microwave. I leaned on the counter, listening to the TV roam on and on about some new “revolutionary” mop. After hearing the microwave beep, I carefully removed the molten pocket of satisfaction from my microwave and continued to channel surf while munching on my snack. I laid down on the couch, lazily sipping on the juice as I stared boringly at the television. I don’t recall falling asleep, but oh well, I have nothing better to do.

I woke up several hours later, the television was still playing its endless marathon of pointless commercials. Channel surfing was never as cool as it sounded. Looking over at my phone, I realized that I had a couple of notifications on my phone. Checking the time, it was about six in the afternoon. I shrugged it off. As usual, I had some texts from John, probably wishing me a good morning or some cheery greeting like that. Then there was Rose, inquiring about my physical and emotional health. It was natural for friends to worry, but lately, I haven’t really felt up to committing myself to permanent relationships. It’s not like I dropped my friends and holed myself up in my apartment. I still talked to them…just once every week or so. With those messages out of the way, I was able to move on to the other notifications showing up on my phone. Scrolling down, I realized I had a missed call from a mysterious number. It wasn’t just one call, it was several around two in the morning. Not only did the person call me repeatedly, they also left numerous voicemails. Going into my voicemail, I click the number’s voicemails.

                Goose bumps crawl over my entire body as the first voicemail plays on my phone. Holding it close to my ear, all I can hear is a raspy voice breathing in and out like some cheesy horror film. No one ever thinks it’s scary until it actually happens to me. I quickly delete the voicemail.

                “Is that all this creep left in my voicemail?” I mumbled to myself, clicking on the next one.

                Voicemail after voicemail, all of them were just heavy breathing. Looking at the last voicemail, I shakily pressed the play button. Cursing myself under my breath, I nervously listen to the raspy voice breathe again. About to press the delete button, I stop as I hear the voice suddenly start speaking.

                “Well well Davey, playing shy are we? Don’t you realize how much I’ve missed you? How much I wish I could see that beautiful body of yours?” Hearing the voice mutter his name, my eyes widened at the realization that this voice was one I’ve heard before. This voice was one I’d never thought I’d have to hear again. Dropping my phone on the couch, I ran to my bedroom and ripped the drawer from my bed stand and sat on my bed. Ripping through the drawer, I desperately looked for my anxiety pills. I couldn’t breathe, I could barely think straight. Finding the orange bottle, I tore the cap off and shook out a couple of pills into the palm of my hand shortly before tilting my head back, tossing the pills in my mouth. I swallowed them dryly, coughing a bit as they went down.

                Tonight, I would forget everything. I’ll forget all about the voicemails, I’ll forget about everything that happened back then. I am a grown man that has a new life, clean from any filth people wish to spread upon others. Grabbing my jacket off the back of my desk chair, I checked for my keys and wallet as I walked out of the door to my apartment, locking it behind me. Heading down to the parking garage, my plans for the night quickly unraveled. Hopping into my 2006 Honda Accord, I glanced at the clock. It was about seven thirty in the afternoon now. The clubs would start opening up soon. I didn’t care where I was headed, I just needed to go somewhere and get my mind off everything. The pills would start kicking in soon and I wasn’t going to spend that blissful high snoozing in my empty apartment. Backing out of the parking garage, I sped through the towering city in search for a distraction.


	2. A Reunion with My Biggest Weakness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In Dave's attempt to take his mind off of his recent jolt in emotions, he makes some pretty immature, careless decisions. These decisions lead Dave to meet another face from his past. But this face will end up saving his life rather than haunting him.

                Speeding down the main highway through downtown, the skyscrapers and lofty buildings whiz by. My eyes are solely focused on the road, lights reflecting off my shades. I wear them regardless of the time of day, without them, I might as well be walking around naked.

                As I punch the gas pedal, tearing it down the bustling highway, the fucking disgusting voice from earlier lingers in my head, repeating itself over and over again. Every time it got to the name “Davey”, I could feel bile rising in my throat. Thinking back to my adolescent years was like pulling a thorn from my ass, unbearable pain but no trace could be seen by the naked eye. Taking the next exit, I pull off the highway and turn onto an avenue filled with clubs and bars. This place was like a second home to me, sad as it may seem. But turning into a parking lot, I pushed all reasoning from my mind. Stepping out of my car, I straightened my clothing as well as my necklaces and proceeded to make my way through the downtown strip. Walking past Strip clubs, gay bars, and straight clubs, there were hormones and alcohol thrown about as the lights and thumping music brought the block of rundown buildings to life. I made my way to my favorite hotspot, The Big Apple. It was the center of the party in this area, the life of the party. I knew all the bartenders on a first name basis and I was ready to dance my cares away, I may even break a few hearts on the side.

                Giving a nod at the bouncer, the tall, tan Italian hunk winked at me and motioned towards the rear door. I turned down the alleyway, walking past an intertwined couple, who looked to be like they were close to taking each other then and there. I quickly made my way to the rear entrance, an employee’s only sign hung on the door. I was an exception. I’ve been coming here from the very beginning of my independence, this place guaranteed a good time and a place to forget. Opening the door and making my way down the dimly lit hallway, I walked past several private party rooms. Girls dancing vigorously on top of guys, girls on top of girls, there wasn’t anything I hadn’t seen in this joint. I finally made it to the end of the hall that opened up to the main room. In front of me was the dancefloor, packed with sweaty bodies grinding to the heavy beat coming from the DJ’s booth up above. That booth brought back some lustful, yet foggy memories. I smiled as I remembered the charming DJ I had devoured in that booth a year or so ago. I have very few regrets in my life, and I didn’t plan on regretting any of my actions anytime soon.

                At the Big Apple, the bartenders, mostly consisting of men, only wore a white collar with a black tie, matching wrist cuffs, and a white apron with black booty shorts underneath. For the women of the business, they were all slung up above the dancefloor. Most of them were dressed up in bunny suit style outfits, although some others had more creative outfits. I walk over to the bar on my right, a friendly face watching me from behind the counter. I recognize the boy to be my sweet acquaintance Andrew. We never had any long chats, it was always kept at a flirtatious passerby level. Ordering an Alexander, a cocktail mixed with gin, Andrew slid it over to me with a smirk and a wink before motioning his head at the DJ booth. I looked over to see who the DJ was to see Tavros shaking and grooving in his little setup, making the dancefloor grind intensely.

                I grinned and made my way to the dancefloor. As I made my way to the center, I could feel eyes all over me. My skinny jeans didn’t keep wandering hands from stealing a feel of my inventory. These hands were soon met with a firm twist, leaving sore wrists in my midst. Seeing me in the middle of the dancefloor, I made eye contact with my DJ angel from above. Tavros waved and got my signal to start up my jam. A remix of “IDGAF” by Watsky came on and the thumping bass pounded in my chest as my hips drew everyone’s attention to my every move. I loved every second of it.

                Having men and women alike grind against me in hopes that I’d give them more than just a sample, I broke some hearts several hours later when I finally decided to leave the club. My hips were sore as well as my feet, but I’d be damned if I was done drinking. When it came to my tolerance level, I would be an elite. Closing the employee door behind me as I left the club, I emerged from the alleyway and continued my walk of the downtown strip. Surveying each bar, I settled upon a rustic bar called Homewood. Opening the door, I walked into the warmly lit bar and observed my surroundings. The bar had a rustic feel to it, yet it seemed like this was a place bikers and wannabes alike would frequent. As I stepped further into the bar, I caught a group in the far corner of the bar lock their eyes on me. There were about four guys and a couple of girls in the group. Once what seemed to be their leader made eye contact with me, they all smiled and started whispering to each other.

                “Fine, I’ll play your little game kids.” I muttered under my breath as I walked over to the pool table. Damn this place was such a stereotypical biker bar, it physically pained me. But if I could achieve my goal of forgetting, I didn’t give a fuck. Picking up a pool stick, I bent over the pool table and begun my solo game. Making sure to flaunt what I was born with, I was sure the mischievious group’s interest had been piqued. Out of the corner of my eye, I just see the leader get up from his make shift throne in the corner and walk over to me. I couldn’t help but smirk. When he got close enough to me, I stopped what I was doing and looked over at him with the slightest grin.

                “Can I help you?” I asked, the slightest bit of sass hidden under my sweetness. The leader chuckled before answering me.

                “The name’s Danny. My crew and I were just curious if you’d like to indulge in some drinks with us.” Danny said, leaning against the pool table. I pretended to ponder a bit before answering.

                “Promise me a good time and it’s a deal.” I gently bit my bottom lip, inching ever so closely to him. Danny proceeded to grab my chin and tilt my head up and to the side as if to whisper something to me.

                “Trust me, by the end of the night, you’ll be begging for more.” Danny took my hand and led me over to his table, his friends greeting me with hungry smiles.

                I sat down next to Danny. The two girls of the group were sitting in each other’s lap on the other side of the table with a guy on either side of them, and Danny’s “wing man” sat to the other side of me. A cute waitress brought us shot glasses and a bottle of whiskey. Pouring us all a shot, Danny dispersed them among the group. Downing each one in one go, I kept myself from making those ugly faces you see most girls make to seem cute or like they’ve never drank before. I can handle myself, so I just knocked each shot back, one after another. Danny saw this and raised an eyebrow at me.

                “Damn doll, you have quite the tolerance.” He winked at me, pouring me another shot.

                “You have no idea.” I slurred back. I took the shot in hand. At this point, I was starting to feel the alcohol catch up to me. I shook my head to shake some of the dizziness away, and out of the corner of my eye, I thought I saw Danny mess with my drink. I ignored the thought, bringing the shot to my lips.

                Before the liquor could even graze my lips, I felt the shot glass being smacked out of my hands, hearing it crash to the floor. I looked up to see a familiar face, a face covered in fury and disgust. Before I could even wrap my head around what was happening, I saw Danny being knocked to the ground along with his comrades, despite them attempting to fight back. Looking back at the mysterious figure, I squint my eyes to decipher who it was.

                Hands pressed to either side of my face, their features came into my frame of view.

                “Hey, Dave, are you okay? Dave can you hear me?” That voice…that face…they looked so similar but…which one was it? Why were they here? How’d they find him? I could feel myself start shaking, tears spilling from my eyes as I began to panic.

                “No…no no no!! Get out! No!” I flail my arms at them, my mind racing at six thousand miles per second. I felt firm hands grasp my wrists, holding them still.

                “Hey hey, it’s ok bro. It’s ok! It’s me Dirk!” I was shocked. I hadn’t seen him or…that man…for years. I couldn’t even look him in the face. They looked so much alike, yet they act nothing alike. Even so, I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I just looked down and struggled to escape him. The second he let go of my wrists though, my heavily-intoxicated self took a plunge for the hardwood floors. I quickly felt strong arms embrace me, followed by a swift, yet nauseating, throw of my body over a firm shoulder. I struggled in the grasp, looking up to see that Dirk was now carrying me out of the bar.

                “W-where are we going you cockatoo haired asshole?” I angrily slurred my speech, still struggling in Dirk’s grasp.

                “Wow, never heard that one before bro. I missed you too.” Dirk chuckled, walking down the sidewalk. Seeing the sidewalk upside down was sickening enough, add in Dirk’s rough handling, I was ready to revisit that hot pocket I had earlier that day.

                Seconds later, I felt Dirk embrace me and place me on cool leather. I opened my eyes and blinked a couple times before I realized that I was seated in a cool, luxurious Camaro. I slumped my head over to see Dirk entering the driver’s seat. His concerned face and jumbled, anxious questions faded out as sleep overcame me.


	3. Faded Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A look into Dave's past, he's been dragged through all sorts of shit. Who'll be there to pick him up when he finally cracks under the pressure?

 

                Raised voices locked behind looming doors filled my childhood as well as my dreams. Thinking back to that time when I would cower in the corner, waiting for a moment of peace before crawling from my hiding space, the thoughts alone would send me into a cold sweat. In my deep sleep, I drifted off to the past I had long buried deep beneath my “cool guy” surface.

                Trembling in the corner of my room on my bed, I hid under my covers in a desperate attempt to block out the thuds, shouts, and shuffling that, knowing all too well, made my heart quicken. The man I once looked up to had quickly, and quite easily, become my worst nightmare. At the momentary silence, I crept out from under my cotton fortress and quietly headed over to my bedroom door that lead to the previously disruptive hallway. Pressing my ear cautiously against the cold wood, I listened for what seemed like an eternity. My heart had calmed down quite a bit, and outside my door, I could hear barely audible conversation that soon faded into silence. The quiet promised such a false sense of security that I foolishly cracked open the door just in time to see my brother’s closed fist come crashing against his most recent victim, I couldn’t even remember how many girlfriends he had beaten through by now. A nine year old shouldn’t think these things, I know, but this was my life. The battered woman fell to the floor with a thud followed with a terrified whimper for mercy. She saw me, her eyes so tired and miserable. The way she looked at me almost seemed to communicate an apology before she got up and ran out of the apartment. Partner after partner, Bro would get worse and worse. This caused my life’s misery to be tripled as the days went by. It was a vicious cycle, one in which I was trapped in. Bro goes out, ensnares a girl in his poisonous web, bringing her home shortly after. They date for a while and the first fight seems to come quicker and quicker each time. After that fight, everything goes downhill. Bro never realizes his role in all of this, or maybe he does and, like the child he is, blames on anyone but himself. Seeing as how I’m the only other person in the house, it’s kind of obvious who his next target is. After hearing the door slam, I turned my attention back to the man before me. Bro’s shoulders were rising and falling, he was facing the apartment door. But as if possessed by some great evil, he snapped his head back and spotted me peeking out of my bedroom door. Those eyes that met mine for that split second, they were the eyes I had grown accustomed to these past recent years. They soon grew fierce with fury and blind rage, all those raw emotions seeking to make me their next victim.

                “You fucking brat.” Bro growled at me. He quickly turned on his heel, making a sudden charge for me. In a desperate endeavor for safety, I slammed the door and locked it quickly. I knew the action was futile against Bro’s strength but any distance away from him was worth it. Diving under the bed, I crawled to the farthest corner of the bed, against the wall. Right as I reached my hiding spot, I heard Bro smash through my final barrier. I could hear his infuriated steps towards my position, I could see him slowly get on his knees to look under the bed. His behavior was that of a predator as he snapped his head down, snarling at me. “Get the fuck over here Dave Strider” Bro said this with one arm under the bed, reaching to snatch me from my hiding spot. Those demonic orange eyes seemed to damn my very soul to the darkest corner of hell. Although the large, grabbing hands failed to reach me, it didn’t stop Bro from attacking me verbally. “Who needs you then? You’re the reason they all leave anyway, fucking needy piece of shit.”

                Sitting up, Bro got up from my bedroom floor and left, slamming my already damaged bedroom door. Hearing it lock behind him, I finally let out the breath I had been holding in the entire time. Gross sobs soon followed my ragged breaths. Curled up underneath my bed, I hugged my knees to my chest as I cried and cried. I wished to escape the never-ending hell, to become a bird and fly far away from that place. I was nine then, and it’d be nine more years until I escaped that dungeon. Each day of those nine years was a struggle between wanting to end it all or just wanting a new start.

                I was twelve when Bro’s entire demeanor took a ninety degree fall into the shitter. I was just chilling on the couch, enjoying a marathon of Spongebob Squarepants. That shit was my jam as a kid in the hours I was left in silent peace in the apartment. But when Bro came home that night, it seemed like he was less than lucky with the ladies. It even appeared that he earned himself a shiner, he probably hit on the wrong girl with a steroid induced tool. That was my guess anyway. Watching Bro stumble in pissed and still buzzed, I knew I had to get out of his way or I’d have a matching shiner. Oh how I wish that’s what I would’ve gotten instead.

                Easing myself off the couch, I made my way silently towards the stairs, trying not to draw attention to myself. Bro easily caught me, clothes-lining me before pining me to the couch. I stared at him from behind my shades, my eyes wide with fear. This had never happened before. What was Bro doing? I struggled against Bro’s tight grip, and I only got a tighter grip as well as a chuckle in response.

                “Oh Davey, you’re not going anywhere.” His gloved hand came up to grip my chin, forcing me to look at him. I flailed out of his grip and tried to get off the couch to race upstairs but he pinned me down as I turned over to leave. Clicking his tongue, Bro leant near my ear and whispered “Don’t be so shy Davey.” I felt his other hand that wasn’t occupied with pinning me down reach down to pet my thigh. I felt my heart sink into my stomach.

                “Bro please stop. This isn’t funny or cool. Just let me go.” I said, coughing a bit under Bro’s weight. I could feel panic rising in my chest, threatening to force sobs from my throat. A small whimper escaped my mouth, greeted by a sharp hit to my temple.

                I started seeing stars as I saw out of the corner of my eye, Bro was smirking. “Striders aren’t bitches, so stop acting like one. If you act like a bitch, then you’ll be treated like one.” Bro continued with his previous activity, petting my thigh before proceeding to edge near my groin. A surge of panic and rage surged through my body as I kicked back and nailed Bro in the dick. I felt his grip loosen and I used the chance to bolt for my room. Behind me I hear Bro shouting curses at me, threatening me. I tuned it out the best I could before shutting my bedroom door and locking it. I then proceeded to scream into my pillow, my skin crawling with disgust and guilt over what had just happened.

                At the age of fourteen, I had begun the desperate habit of sneaking Bro’s sleeping pills out of his night stand drawer for some form of aid for my torment. It started out with just one or two every now and then to numb myself in order to deal with Bro’s…clinginess as well as the pain from the wounds he left behind. As the year dragged on, the pill count increased to four or five almost every other day. The world would fly by after I took the pills, I was stuck on a totally separate plane. After a while, I’m sure Bro knew what I’d been doing. He just didn’t care enough to stop me. This only led to my habits worsening as I grew older.

                When I was sixteen, Bro had caught me in the act. Right as the pills went down my throat, in a split second, Bro had a hand around my neck. “You are so fucking selfish, just like the rest of them. You filthy piece of garbage, I’ve given you everything and you’d just throw it away because you’re a fucking pussy.” His grip on my neck tightened before slamming a fist into my gut, knocking the breath out of me. Leaving me dry-heaving on the ground, he walked out, yet again. As the pills slowly began to take effect, I slumped against the side of my bed and felt my body grow numb. This was the best feeling I had felt in a long time, not having to feel a thing.

                Shortly after, I had picked up another nasty habit. After a fight with Bro, I realized my need for this habit. During this fight, Bro and I had been on the roof, screaming it out. He pushed me down on the pavement, where I unfortunately landed on broken glass. The slice in my skin secreted sweet scarlet liquid that raced down my arm, giving me a sense of release. After Bro had stomped back to our apartment, I managed to snag a souvenir from the roof. Running back to the apartment and ducking quickly inside my room, I sat on the edge of my bed with the shard of broken glass in hand. Grazing the glass across my skin, I could feel myself become lighter, lighter than I’d ever felt in my entire life. A slim smile slid across my face as more and more cuts and slices appeared on my skin. Each night, I would repeat my pitiful routine. Downing a handful of pills, I would wait for them to kick in before slicing tally marks into my skin. I had felt a lot of pain in my life, but this pain was different. This pain felt like it was healing me. Little by little, I was atoning for my sins. With these cuts, I could pay back all the misfortune I had caused.


	4. Facing My Worst Enemy as well as My Knight in Shining Armor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave wakes up, he has to face him now. There's no way around it.

        Jolting up in bed, my breaths are ragged and heavy as I whip my head around, trying to decipher my surroundings. This wasn't my bed or my house, so where the fuck was I? I rubbed my temples, trying to recall last night despite my current, massive hangover. Did I manage to snag a last minute one-night stand? I was entangled in soft, cotton sheets with pillows thrown this way and that, probably due to my chaotic nighttime tossing and turning or some unimaginable, kinky shenanigans. I looked down, quickly dismissing the latter option since I was still dressed. I slowly got up from the comfy mattress and warily made my way around the room. If I was going to snoop, I might as well do it before my mystery captor came in to check on me. The room was decorated in cool colors, mostly themed in a steel blue color scheme. The room lacked any photos depicting my host or hostess's identity, but my search continued for any intriguing details. A dog tag laying on the desk at the opposite side of the room caught my attention. All I read were the words "Best Bros" scrawled across one of them and it hit me, last night was becoming clear to me. Last night at the bar...Dirk was there...his car...I had stayed the night at Dirk's house. My face flushed a deep red, when suddenly, I heard the door behind me open. I steadily turned around, preparing myself for whatever I was about to see.

       Standing there, in front of me, was a man I knew I was head over heels for but I was too scared to admit it outside of my private thoughts. Dirk just stood there in the doorway, staring at me with those sad little puppy dog eyes of his. I was speechless. I hadn't seen or talked to him in almost two years, mostly because of my own selfish, idiotic decisions. Dirk was obviously struggling for words as well, his mouth opening but quickly closing before saying a word. I could feel myself shaking. The man I was so afraid of loving, too scared to lose him, had let me into his home, even after everything I had put him through.

       "Why am I here?" I said this, looking at the wall behind Dirk since I had no shades to hide behind. With fists clenched at my side, I refused to let myself cry in front of him again, not today. "You could've just left me there, I was fine!" At this point, I could feel my voice wearing thin, I knew Dirk could hear it too, but I just raised my voice instead. Looking past him still, my throat was closing up and I could feel the sobs rising in my throat.

       I suddenly felt a strong embrace around me, causing my upper body to tense up. I immediately silenced myself in surprise. One of the hands embracing me forced me to look up, the other hand grasping my shoulder. "I don't care if you thought you were the king of the world in that bar, those dumbasses you were drinking with almost managed to drug you!" His voice was stern and dense while he looked me directly in the eyes. I must've looked so vulnerable and child-like. "I rescued your ass from getting served to filthy strangers kiddo." My eyes widened, my emotions were in chaos. I couldn't even think straight right now. They all just erupted at once.

       "Since _when_ did you start giving a shit about what happens to me? When did you start giving a fuck about who does what to me?" I was in a blind rage fueled by raw emotion. I pushed Dirk off of me, releasing myself from his grasp. I paced to the far corner of the room, ruffling my hair and shaking my head in a feverish attempt to organize my thoughts. "How did you even find me? I was fine on my own! I had a new life, a new job! Why is all this shit coming back now?" I was practically shouting at this point, pacing back and forth in front of the bedroom window overlooking the city. My breathing was fast and inconsistent as I felt the panic rise up inside my chest. The rushed breaths as well as the nervous pacing were starting to cause me to feel light-headed. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the growing concern in Dirk's face. His figure rushing towards me was the last thing I saw before he was inches from my face.

       " **Stop it Dave** , just fucking stop and listen to me!" Dirk grabbed my shoulders and forced me onto the bed, sitting to face him. With hands on either side of my face, he made sure to steady my breathing before continuing with what he had to say. "Dave...I never stopped caring. But how am I supposed to show you how much I care for you if you vanish off the face of the earth and refuse to talk to me?" Dirk's voice was pleading, he sounded so pained. "I am so terrified of losing you for good, not being able to reach you these past couple of years has been torture for me." Dirk hugged me tightly, I could faintly hear small sobs coming from Dirk. I petted his hair, finally able to calm down and sort through my thoughts. "I'm so sorry for all the shit I put you through, I wasn't thinking. Back then...our last fight...that was all my fault." I didn't know how to tell Dirk...he meant so much to me. But because I couldn't get past my pitiful problems, I was too terrified of getting hurt by Dirk, or anyone for that matter, that I dropped off the face of the earth before he could even find out about my feelings for him. Even in this moment of melancholy calm, the few words Dirk spoke chilled me to the core.

        _"Why did you leave? Was it my fault?"_


	5. Bro to Bro Moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave finally gets around to that heart-to-heart with Dirk

     I stood from the bed..it felt like a lead weight had been embedded in my chest, weighing down on my lungs as I struggled for any words that wouldn't expose my true, chaotic feelings. My mouth opened and closed as I searched for those words still, I could see the frustration in Dirk growing as he watched me in return.  
     

     Running a hand through my hair frustratedly, I paced back and forth in front of the bed Dirk was sitting on. His amber eyes watching me...those beautiful amber eyes that so easily made my knees give out with a single glance. I breathed in, filling the capacity of my chest to its maximum before releasing it along with a bit of anxiety. I was able to finally look Dirk in the eyes.  
   

     'I've got nothing to lose...I'm literally at the bare minimum here and I could give less of a shit about my life. So if my heart gets crushed, which it will, this place has plenty of bridges to practice my swan dive on...' I thought this, my mouth pinched into a thin line as these depressing thoughts settled themselves into my already chaotic mental state. Crossing my arms across my chest, I secured myself however much I could before spilling it to the only person who cou-...would ever understand me.  
     

     "Look, it-it's not that it's your fault. None of this, nothing that has happened, none of that was ever your fault. It was mine, completely my fault." It already felt like I was swallowing a handful of nails. But I had to say this...it had been rummaging around in my brain for those three years, I couldn't stand to hold it in once I had laid eyes on that godlike face once again. "I'm awful at communicating-"  
"Duh." Dirk said, I shot him a glare, but I eased up, realizing he was right. I shook my head to get back on track before resuming what I needed to tell Dirk.  
     

    "I know I'm awful at communicating...but I'm also terrified of being left alone. Alone with my thoughts, alone with those memories I'd rather forget.." I bit my lip. Pushing myself to continue, I sat on the bed next to Dirk to keep calm. "Back then, during that fight..I was mad at myself for being so pitiful. I was glad that you were happy with Jake back then but...what I wanted left me feeling like shit, hating myself for even thinking that something like that would be considered anything less than 'selfish'." My fists were clenched, my breathing was starting to hitch. Suddenly, I felt a warm hand on my shoulder. Looking to my side, I locked eyes with Dirk.  
"What are you trying to say Dave? I mean, I never considered you selfish. You were always there for me, through every fight and bicker that me and Jake had, through every fight me and Br-" Seeing the look on my face at the mention of that man's name, Dirk swallowed and continued with his thought. "What I'm saying is, you've always been there for me Dave, you mean so much to me."

     At those words, I stood up abruptly with tears threatening to leak from my eyes. "That's the problem! You may care for me, but I care for you differently." Dirk's eyes widened, but I couldn't stop. My emotions were spilling out at this point. "You've always been there for me too. After everyone else in this shitty hellpit of a world got up and abandoned me just for the hell of it...it was only you. You were the only one that stayed. But that terrified me. Why? Why did you stay? Every day, I was terrified of losing you. Terrified that one day, I'd wake up, and you'd be gone. I knew that when that day came, the ground would be swept from underneath me and I'd fall. I'd fall to unknowable depths, depths that would have definitely killed me. So I left before you could leave me.." I was breathing heavily at this point. My face was red, tears were streaming down my face, and I knew that I wasn't going to hold myself together. At this point, my body was in a fight or flight mode. I opted for the flight option seeing as how I was in no mood to fight with the love of my life. I couldn't stand rejection almost as much as I couldn't stand abandonment. When I began to turn for my escape, I felt firm hands hold me in place. I refused to meet the eyes burning their way into my skull until one of those firm hands lifted my chin to do so.  
Dirk's stunning eyes were looking straight into mine. They silenced me instantly, causing me to hold my breath. "I want to hear you say it. I want you to tell me your feelings without all this guilt-tripping yourself, I'm here for you. I always have been, and I always will be. But I need to hear you say, loud and clear, how you feel for me."

     I was speechless. Dirk was so abrupt, but that's not what shocked me. He was still here. He was always gonna be here. I could feel myself become a little more confident in my words as I organized what I was going to say. I took handfuls of Dirk's shirt in my hand as I opened my mouth to speak, or to confess I should say.

 

     "Dirk...I love you. I have loved you, ever since the first day we met."


End file.
